Is Self-Compassion Selfish?

This is my second post in my series called, “Living with Contradictions”. In this post, I want to talk about self-compassion, because it’s one of those topics, many of us feel conflicted about—often because self-compassion is confused with self-absorption.

With words like “selfie” now being included in the dictionary, and the invention of front facing cameras and “selfie-sticks”, it’s hard to imagine how any more focus on self would be helpful or necessary.

But unlike self-absorption, self-compassion is a healthy focus on self.  When the camera is off, and we are unplugged from social media, how do we actually see ourselves? If no one “likes” our pictures or comments on our social media posts, how do we feel about ourselves? How do we talk to ourselves in the privacy of our own thoughts?

Asking our self these kinds of questions help us understand what kind of relationship we have with our self.

A healthy focus on self doesn’t have a self-indulgent, self-serving focus, but a focus of genuine interest and care. It’s easier for most of us to be kind, gentle and patient with others then it is to be kind, gentle and patient with our self.

Yet, we spend more time with our self then we do with any other human on the planet, so how we feel and think about our self is really important for our mental health.

…we spend more time with our self then we do with any other human on the planet, so how we feel and think about our self is really important for our mental health.

Imagine the following scenario with me:

You are driving in rush hour traffic on a major highway. You are already a half hour late for a job interview, and your gas tank is on empty. Can you feel the stress? Now imagine someone is sitting in the car with you, blaming you for your lack of planning and rehearsing all of your shortcomings, not just from today but from years before: “You are a loser! How could you be so late for an interview? No one will ever hire you! You can’t even remember to put gas in the car! Remember when you were late for your last interview because you slept in?”

Many of us recognize that critical passenger as our own self-talk.

Let’s re-imagine being stuck in traffic, late for the interview, with no gas in the tank but this time, imagine the words being spoken to you are words of reassurance and kindness such as: “It’s not your fault that traffic is busy today. Maybe next time it would be helpful to leave earlier, and check the gas sooner, but there will be other job interviews, and you will be better prepared next time.”

When we are able to soothe our self with kind words, we are practicing self-compassion. Self-compassion isn’t about denying reality. It’s about treating ourselves like we would a good friend.

If you struggle with self-criticism or perfectionism, learning how to offer compassion to yourself is an incredible discipline to learn and practice. There are lots of great resources to help us improve the way we speak to ourselves. One practical workbook is “Mind over Mood” by Dennis Greenberger (with lots of exercises to help identify thoughts that are worsening your mood, and replacing them with more helpful, self-compassionate thoughts). And of course seeking out a therapist, who can support you in learning how to be kind to yourself is another great step.

Living with Contradictions

It was a perfect summer morning for a bike ride. The air was warm but fresh, with the scent of pine trees. As I rode beside the lake, the morning sun sparkled like diamonds on top of the water. The brown, gravel road lead me past the lake into a lush green forest. The sound of birds calling each other was the perfect soundtrack for the beginning of a new day.

While this is a true description of a bike ride I took last summer, it would be equally true to say the following:

When I stepped outside the cottage doors to go for a morning bike ride, I was swarmed by a cloud of mosquitoes and deer flies. I hopped on my bike and began pedaling quickly toward the main road with the hope that if I pedaled fast enough I could create a breeze strong enough to outpace the bugs that were circling my head. I managed to steer my bike with one hand, while the other hand swatted the bugs with a ball cap. 

“How can an experience be both breathtaking and aggravating at the same time?”

Part of me wanted to turn around and go back to the cottage, while the other part of me wanted to enjoy biking on a beautiful warm summer day.

Much like my bike ride, life is full of contradictions. One of the greatest challenges to improving our mental health, is learning how to make sense of thoughts, feelings and experiences that initially seem to be in conflict with each other.

Can we grieve a loss, and find happiness and love in the present? Can we love and accept ourselves, while owning and accepting our failures? Can we find love and connection, once vows and trust have been broken? Can we love our children, and desperately need time away from them? Can we trust God is good, when our situation is not? Can we love and support others unconditionally, while respecting our own need for space and autonomy? These are just a few examples of inner conflicts and questions many of us face.

Learning to find peace in the face of contradictions requires us to first notice and examine what is causing us angst and stress. Taking time to examine our thoughts, through quiet reflection and journaling, can help us become more mindful of what we are telling ourselves about our current situation.

Often, we will find, we are looking at things using "all-or-nothing" thinking. "All-or-nothing" thinking, is a thinking pattern that believes for something to be entirely true, something else must be entirely false. Yet, most of us discover things are not usually that simple.

Learning how to live with the tension between what we believe to be true, and our present reality requires self-reflection, openness and curiosity. It’s often painful, and disorienting, yet an important part of reclaiming our peace.

There is so much to be said about the challenge of living with contradictions, that I can't possibly cover it all in one blog post -- at least, not one that is a reasonable length to read. So, my hope is to create a blog series that I'm calling "Living with Contradictions" to unpack this more fully. 

Stay tuned :)

How to Keep Your Resolutions in the New Year

Recently, I was at the theatre waiting for the feature film to came on, when a “quit smoking” ad came up that caught my attention. The word “fail” was repeatedly flashing on the screen. The point of the ad was that quitting smoking is hard and you need to expect to fail because eventually you will succeed if you don’t give up.

With the New Year quickly approaching, I thought about the struggles many of us face keeping our New Year’s resolutions.

We often start the year with the hope of making big changes. We tell ourselves that we are going to change this year: we will eat better, get more exercise, become a better friend, be more patient with our children…

But then someone offers us a piece of our favourite cake; we sleep in and miss our morning workout; we lose our patience with our kids… and our resolutions are challenged. Change feels too hard, too out of reach. We often decide our resolutions are impossible and we give up, because it’s easier to remain the same.

But what I am learning is that when we create goals, we can expect some challenges before we achieve them.

Like the “quit smoking” ad suggests, we need to be aware that as we move toward change, we will fail, (perhaps many times) before we reach our desired goal.

I wonder if what gets between us and our success is not failure itself, but what we tell ourselves about failure.

When we fail it’s easy to become self-critical by rehearsing past failures in our mind. We say things to ourselves that we’d never dream of saying to our worst enemies, let alone to a friend.

But rather than “beating ourselves up” for failing and sabotaging our goals, what would it be like if we allowed failure to become our teacher?

Failure is part of the process of change. It gives us important information about ourselves.

When we fail, we discover what keeps us bound to our addictions and habits. If you have ever tried to quit a habit, you may know what I mean. For example, it isn’t until someone decides to quit drinking that they realize they need help to process painful feelings and memories without alcohol. It isn’t until someone decides to stop biting their nails, that they may realize they are struggling with anxious thoughts.

Failure reveals what is underneath our old habits and addictions.

Change happens slowly, like peeling back the thin layers on an onion. If we peel an onion one thin layer at a time, we will eventually get to the centre. Similarly, when we want to make change it is often a slow process that happens “one thin layer” at a time. If we steadily approach change with patience and self-compassion we will eventually get to our goal.

If you want to make a change in the coming year, don’t let the fear of failure prevent you from setting a goal. Even creating a small goal, can move you toward healthy change. When you bump into frustrations, and feelings of failure (as we all do), don’t beat yourself up about it. Pay attention to what is making change hard, and then use that knowledge to create new approaches.

Set a goal. Try. Fail. Learn. Try again.

May you find the patience and perseverance you need to move toward a healthier you this year.

Why Christians Need to get "Pissed Off"

Sometimes, there are not words strong enough to express the pain we feel. There are seasons of life that don’t have simple solutions; times when we are overwhelmed by feelings of despair and helplessness. Financial stress, sickness, untimely deaths, grief and relationship breakdowns are situations that can leave us feeling confused and alone. 

But sadly, in addition to all of the usual feelings of sadness and isolation experienced in difficult times, Christians often experience an added layer of difficulty: guilt and shame for feeling upset in the first place.

Christians are often unsure how to find an honest expression of their faith in the midst of difficulty and stress.

Disappointment and grief can provoke some big questions:  If God is good, how can he allow bad things to happen? Why should I pray when it feels as though God is silent? Sometimes Christians feel shame for asking questions like these because it doesn’t seem like questions people of faith should be asking.

This guilt and shame is only made worse, when we attend a church service and the songs being sung are about the goodness of God and the victory we can find through our faith in him…. but there is an absence of lament.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe God is good and I have felt his strength holding me together in difficult times. There is a place for songs of praise and thankfulness, but if there is no place for lament, how do Christians who are suffering join in from a place of honesty?

Sadly, if we don’t make space for people to express their pain and disappointment with God, we deny them the full expression of their faith. 

When we are suffering, we need to know that there is still a place for us within the community of faith. We need the assurance that faith and struggle are not in contradiction with each other.

While lament may be near absent in many churches on Sunday morning, there are numerous passages in the Bible that describe great emotional pain and honesty.

You only need to flip through Lamentations, Job, Jeremiah or the Psalms to find some needed assurance that you are not alone in your struggle. It doesn’t get much more honest then the psalmist in Psalm 88: “You have taken from me friend and neighbor—darkness is my closest friend” (v.18).  Or listen to the honesty of the author in Lamentations: “See, Lord, how distressed I am! I am in torment within, and in my heart I am disturbed” (Lam 1:20).

The honesty of these writers, gives us needed assurance that when we struggle, we too can offer our uncensored pain to God—knowing he can handle it.

Adversity and hardship are isolating enough on their own, without the added shame of feeling we “shouldn’t” feel the way we do. We can express our pain and disappointment to God without feeling we are betraying our faith. And we can rest knowing that God can handle our pain and our struggle.